So dark in the moonlight.....

Don't ask me how I am doing, unless you are prepared to hear the absolute truth.......I am not stupid, I know you want me to lie to you and tell you that we are ok and how happy we are now. That is furthest from the truth. So very far........SO maybe do us a favor and not ask us how we are doing at all OR maybe you can just say hey " Let's talk about her....let's talk about Lizzy" Just cut to the chase, please........I hate it when you beat around the bush, trying to avoid the unavoidable in our minds. We know it is uncomfortable for you, how do you think it feels for us? Everyone acting like she doesn't exist, pisses me the FUCK off. There I said it. No holding back. Don't like it, don't read my words. Yes my words. I may not speak much to you in person and it is because you wish not to speak to me, I do know this. I can read it in your faces. You see me and you see a bitch, to you family and friends that is nothing but a shell.....what you don't see is the hurt and how torn I am inside AND maybe I don't want you to see this, this despair I have kept hidden for years now.

de·spair (d-spâr)

intr.v. de·spaired, de·spair·ing, de·spairs

1. To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shore safely.

2. To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.

n.

1. Complete loss of hope.

2. One despaired of or causing despair

So before you ask me this question which is very hard for me to answer, think twice about asking it.....please. You are probably better off not saying anything at all..........

Freeze the fading past:3 Years

February 25th. 3 years ago was the day we said good bye to our 10 year old daughter as she walked out of the house to go play with her friends. She was 10, and would be riding my 4 wheeler. An adult sized 4-wheeler. We know she shouldn't have been on it, spare us the details please. She had her fun on it until her accident, that sent our family spinning into the depths of despair. We went through all of the "Why's" "Why not us" All of those questions. It didn't seem real in the beginning , some days it still does not seem real. She should have had a helmet on.....NO she should have NEVER been on that thing to begin with, her frame was just to tiny for that large machine, but yet there are still kids riding without helmets on these big machines all over. Sure it's fun! But.....not until someone you love dies. And then you realize it all could have been prevented, and I think that is what hurts the most....that we could have prevented her death. I know it is to late for my Lizzy but what about these other kids that hop on these 4-wheelers with out a care in the world and no helmets? What can we do?? What can YOU do?

I'm missing her a lot these past couple of months. I see girls her age and am just in awe at how tall they are, matured and try to think of what she would look like and then I face the reality that I will never see her become a teenager so I need to keep her beautiful 10 year old face in my mind as is. When I do try to picture her as a teen, I can feel myself almost stop breathing and heart racing.........I just never thought I would lose my baby girl and this bites. Back to reality...

Random

Image by DoomGal via Flickr

Just a random post-I'm hungry. And I am thinking of disabling the comment features here. This blog here is for me and me only, I am not expecting comments. So keep yo' opinions to yourself, unless they are nice and you are not preaching to me, yeah no preachy stuff. I don't need that right now.

Time After Time...

I can't keep up with blogging. I think I will just take a mini-vacation and who knows how long it will be. Could be 1 day, 1 week, or 1 year. I have been known to do that before. I am not abandoning it for good however, my thoughts are jumbled and really don't know how to say what I need to say. I still have my good days and bad, these days more good days despite the health issues [epilepsy] I have been having which is putting a strain on my short term memory. Anyway I will be back, I just don't know when. Later peeps. You know how to contact me if needed.

Happy Birthday Lizzy

So today is her birthday, she would be 13 years old. A BIG teenager! I can't even imagine it anymore. I found a poem and I thought it was perfect for my Lizzy-To The Moon And Back Sweetie.

-----------------------------------------------------

Today is my birthday

Celebrate my life with you

And remember the good times

Not the bad.

Do not be sad

Look up towards the sun

And catch every ray of light

Upon your cheek

For I am there with you

Today is my birthday

Be happy for me

I lived short, but full

I had the pleasure of love

And the joy of my family

Do not be sad

Look up towards the stars

And catch each twinkle

In your heart

For I am there with you

Today is my birthday

My legacy is not wealth

Or mighty belongings

My legacy is you and your life

Spend it wisely and carefully

Guard it always

Do not be sad

Feel the wind on your face

And in your hair

And know that I loved you

For I am there with you in your laughter

And in your hearts

Today is my birthday

Learn to live again without me,

Take my strength with you

For you are not alone.

Do not be sad

Feel the rain on your face

Feel all life's treasures and

Know that you are alive!

At each step of the way

I will help you

For I am with you always

Until we meet again.

------Author Unknown-------

On A Jet Plane

A note to Liz: Hey sweetie! I miss you so much it hurts :/ I do have to say that there are good days, really there are! I never thought that I would ever have a good day after you died. Now here it is almost 2 1/2 years later and I am laughing once again, but don't get me wrong I do have my bad days. We all do. But I am coping, not healing, just coping with our tragedy. We received some good news not to long ago, your Parrain is going to be a daddy again! How awesome is that? They are due sometime in February, so the month I dread, will now be a month of hope and something to look forward to. Your 13th birthday is coming up in about a month and a half, that will be a hard day. I just never know how I am going to react when certain dates/milestones roll around, It's hard. And you would be a teen, something I can't imagine :[

Your dad had an awesome opportunity come his way so he jumped on it! Going to Budapest to work for 30 days, come home for 2 weeks. Keeping this schedule until the end of the year. We miss him LOTS but I think it is a great experiene for him, just wish we all could have gone! You look out for him ok? You know planes scare me, I remember a conversation we had not to long before you left us about getting on a plane and heading out to Disney Land, you were so excited and I was very frightened.............I wish I could have let go of that fear so that we could have made that trip! Well I have a semi-busy day today, got to go to the store. We ar emaking your favorite food tonight, TACO'S!!


I Love You To The Moon And Back
The Mom

To Damn Hot

Damn. It is just to hot outside. To do anything really. So the kids and I have been staying inside, enjoying the half ass A/C. On another note, I don't know why I decided to blog today, I mean I remember a time when I wouldn't miss a day of blogging or reading blogs and now I go months without blogging and I rarely read blogs. It is like I have ADD or something, I just can't seem to concentrate on one particular thing for any given moment. And the point of this blog? Huh, there is none. I was just sitting here watching icarly.com and I thought of blogging? Anyway like I said, to damn hot.....